Living with the Dead

A&E's Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal is the best investigative show on TV that no one's talking about. Below is a synopsis of the eerie supernatural series, now in its second season:

Psychic Kids examines the trials and tribulations of children who have extraordinary psychic gifts and sensibilities. Chip Coffey, a renowned psychic medium along with clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Miller, travels the country interviewing, encouraging, and supporting these gifted children and their parents. Their mission is to educate and inform the kids and their families about these abilities.

I feel compelled to write about Psychic Kids because it's brought tears to my eyes almost every time I've watched it. It's heartbreaking to see the pain of innocent teenagers who are seen as outcasts by their peers, alone every minute of the day with their frightening gift. It's devastating to see children who are too afraid to fall asleep at night because they're constantly tormented by menacing spirits. And it's crushing to see how helpless parents are in protecting their loved ones, even as some don't fully believe what their child is experiencing is real.

The best thing about Psychic Kids is how it brings paranormally troubled kids together to realize that they're not as alone as they thought. They always get the chance to not only face their fears head-on, but to overcome them bravely with the support of their new friends. Chip Coffey does a phenomenal job of comforting, challenging, and encouraging psychic kids of different ages, instilling confidence while empowering them to control and conquer their fears.

By the end of the show, the kids walk away feeling good about themselves, ready to return to their lives and embrace their abilities, which they see now more as gifts than curses. The bonds the kids form and the support they show for each other is touching.

The more you watch Psychic Kids, the truly terrifying thing you realize is how widespread this phenomenon is. We all saw little Haley Joel Osment haunted by ghosts many years ago in The Sixth Sense, but few of us probably ever realized that this super-sensitive condition affects hundreds—if not thousands—of kids, whether they know it or not. Writes Examiner.com's Elizabeth Costanzo:

It is important for all parents to realize that children, especially young children, have open minds and pure souls which haven't yet been jaded by society's constraints or disbelief in the paranormal... Until the belief in the paranormal is crushed by the standards and norms of the adult world, most children, whether they retain any psychic gifts as adults or not, are more susceptible to ghostly visits. They haven't closed the door on the possibility of spiritual activity, and this is why more children than adults complain of "monsters" under the bed or in the closet and ghosts talking to them when no one else is present.

In addition, paranormal researchers and parapsychologists theorize that children are not only more willing to see spirits, but their youth and therefore, their proximity to the "other side" enables them to see and communicate with the dead... As a result, when a young child is "visited" by a spirit or ghost, the child is not necessarily alarmed at the presence because it does not seem "supernatural" in their eyes. The spirit world only becomes "supernatural" when we are conditioned to believe this.

Psychic Kids is different than other ghost-hunting shows. It's the polar opposite of the Travel Channel's Ghost Adventures, where instead of helping tortured souls cross over, you'll hear meathead ghost hunter Zak Bagans antagonize ill-tempered spirits with such appalling, ridiculous lines like "What if we stole your silver? Would that piss you off?"

Psychic Kids respects the spirit world and wants to change the lives of the living who are down in despair. It's a ghost show that's frightening, enlightening, and uplifting, and it'll make you thank God you can't see dead people.

Well, most of us anyway.

New Muse album reveals how to defeat the Illuminati in three easy steps

By Ken Devine

LONDON—British rock band Muse are no strangers to singing about conspiracies and secret plots to rule the world, but anyone willing to glance at the liner notes to the band's new album will be privy to a solution once thought impossible: how to stop the Illuminati in their eternal, hell-bent efforts to control the world by forming a global New World Order.

Under strict interpretation of the lyrics to the trio's fifth album, Resistance, the 11-track concept album's simple, three-step solution involves exposing the clandestine Illuminati through incessant radio airplay, then having the masses run and hide once martial law is instituted.

The third and final step is a bit more complicated, as it involves sending a distress signal to an unnamed alien race, based on the lyrics, "Spread our codes to the stars...You must rescue us all." Supposedly, this will be accomplished similar to how Will Smith uploaded the Mac virus to the alien computer in Independence Day.

Paramount defies all that is pure and good in preparing highly unnecessary sequel to 'Paranormal Activity'

Note to ghost hunters everywhere: Always leave your bedroom door wide open for effect

By Ken Devine

HOLLYWOOD—Milking what they can out of the most profitable movie of all time, Paramount confirmed today that production has already begun on a soulless, ill-advised sequel to Paranormal Activity, a cheaply produced, bump-in-the-night horror flick that's grossed over $60 million in profits.

Ignoring conventional wisdom and a horrendous track record for sellout sequels, Paramount Chairman Brad Grey says that they're determined to cash in immediately with an overproduced, commercialized follow-up that corrupts the integrity and originality of the sleeper hit.

"Not to take away from the first one, but the production values were horrible," he said. "All that shaky camera and poor lighting isn't acceptable for our quality films. We're also bringing in popular, recognizable actors like Ashton Kutcher and Megan Fox."

Oren Peli, who directed the first film but won't be back for the second, says that Paramount is neglecting the obvious warning signs.

"Three words: Blair Witch 2," he said. "I rest my case."

Others, like avid moviegoer Mitch Abramson, 27, share Peli's fear.

"It's sort of like when Wayne's World was bought out by Rob Lowe's shady corporate character," he said, referencing the 1992 film. "Before that it was just this cheap, homegrown show on public access."

Against all odds, though, Grey believes that lightning will really strike twice, even though there's not a raindrop's chance in hell the sequel, slated for a January 2010 release, will be successful.

"We're not concerned with the story or continuity in the sequel so much as just putting another film out there with the Paranormal Activity label," he said. "Really, the open ending from the first one is guaranteed to put enough people in the seats. Just look at the Saw movies."

‘Guitar Hero’ maker countersues the shit out of No Doubt and Courtney Love for not playing their games

Ain't no hollaback boy: Gwen Stefani Sues Band Hero for making her sing like a man

By Ken Devine

LOS ANGELES—On Tuesday Activision, publisher of Guitar Hero and the newly released Band Hero, countersued No Doubt and Courtney Love for their ignorant, petty-ass lawsuits objecting that Gwen Stefani and Kurt Cobain avatars can sing and perform songs from other bands in a "virtual karaoke circus act."

The suits come despite the fact that, historically, every avatar in every Guitar Hero game ever is playable for every single song in the game. Every single one.

Put another way: You can't not play any song with any available avatar.

Somehow, the lawsuits arose even after both artists worked extensively with Activision to satisfaction in getting the likenesses just right, only for them not to read the damn contracts they signed after extensive negotiations with their representatives.

"We're extremely disappointed that after all the work we did with them, No Doubt was entirely clueless about how playable characters in our games work," said a puzzled Activision spokesperson. "I mean, is it really so wrong that Gwen Stefani can express her love of prostitutes in 'Honky Tonk Women' while sounding like Mick Jagger? Or the fact that she can kick butt while singing Carl Douglas's 'Kung Fu Fighting'? That image cracks me up just thinking about it."

Stefani and Love have described Activision’s actions as deceptive and dismaying, and Love insists that she'll "sue the shit out of Activision."

But the anonymous Activision spokesperson cited similar feelings from their accusers, and claims that they're not worried by the baseless lawsuits that will soon see the bottom of the judge's trashcan.

"We're not surprised about Courtney's unhappiness because she's a dishonest, vengeful psychopath who will do anything for power and attention. Just look at how she plotted her husband's apparent suicide."

"But we're disappointed that an actual sane artist like Gwen Stefani is on her side," he added. "She definitely hasn't been as cool as Slash and Tom Morello."

The spokesperson also said that Activision will really get the last laugh when the company wins its countersuit and publishes an update to Guitar Hero 5 that makes Courtney Love playable.

Worldwide soccer community outraged over Yankees being called 'World Champions'

FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on the verge of tears after being ridiculed for his suggestion that female soccer players should "wear tighter shorts...to create a more female aesthetic."

By Ken Devine

Soccer fans all over the world are contending the "World Champions" label that the New York Yankees earned for defeating the Philadelphia Phillies Wednesday night in Game 6 of the 2009 World Series.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter explained that the true football fans of the world are upset because baseball is not played in every corner of the world, but soccer is.

"The New York Yankees are North American champions at best," he stated. "Football is the only sport that can claim true world champions."

In an effort to detract from the Yankees' championship celebration on Friday with their fans in New York City, international soccer bodies have planned worldwide protests in every non-American city for the same day. Objectors will likely wave vituperative placards denouncing American baseball while burning effigies of Alex Rodriguez and George Steinbrenner.

Blatter also promised that petitions are in the works to prohibit the "World Champions" label in professional baseball, as well as banning the word "soccer" when referring to European football.