New Muse album reveals how to defeat the Illuminati in three easy steps

By Ken Devine

LONDON—British rock band Muse are no strangers to singing about conspiracies and secret plots to rule the world, but anyone willing to glance at the liner notes to the band's new album will be privy to a solution once thought impossible: how to stop the Illuminati in their eternal, hell-bent efforts to control the world by forming a global New World Order.

Under strict interpretation of the lyrics to the trio's fifth album, Resistance, the 11-track concept album's simple, three-step solution involves exposing the clandestine Illuminati through incessant radio airplay, then having the masses run and hide once martial law is instituted.

The third and final step is a bit more complicated, as it involves sending a distress signal to an unnamed alien race, based on the lyrics, "Spread our codes to the stars...You must rescue us all." Supposedly, this will be accomplished similar to how Will Smith uploaded the Mac virus to the alien computer in Independence Day.

Paramount defies all that is pure and good in preparing highly unnecessary sequel to 'Paranormal Activity'

Note to ghost hunters everywhere: Always leave your bedroom door wide open for effect

By Ken Devine

HOLLYWOOD—Milking what they can out of the most profitable movie of all time, Paramount confirmed today that production has already begun on a soulless, ill-advised sequel to Paranormal Activity, a cheaply produced, bump-in-the-night horror flick that's grossed over $60 million in profits.

Ignoring conventional wisdom and a horrendous track record for sellout sequels, Paramount Chairman Brad Grey says that they're determined to cash in immediately with an overproduced, commercialized follow-up that corrupts the integrity and originality of the sleeper hit.

"Not to take away from the first one, but the production values were horrible," he said. "All that shaky camera and poor lighting isn't acceptable for our quality films. We're also bringing in popular, recognizable actors like Ashton Kutcher and Megan Fox."

Oren Peli, who directed the first film but won't be back for the second, says that Paramount is neglecting the obvious warning signs.

"Three words: Blair Witch 2," he said. "I rest my case."

Others, like avid moviegoer Mitch Abramson, 27, share Peli's fear.

"It's sort of like when Wayne's World was bought out by Rob Lowe's shady corporate character," he said, referencing the 1992 film. "Before that it was just this cheap, homegrown show on public access."

Against all odds, though, Grey believes that lightning will really strike twice, even though there's not a raindrop's chance in hell the sequel, slated for a January 2010 release, will be successful.

"We're not concerned with the story or continuity in the sequel so much as just putting another film out there with the Paranormal Activity label," he said. "Really, the open ending from the first one is guaranteed to put enough people in the seats. Just look at the Saw movies."

‘Guitar Hero’ maker countersues the shit out of No Doubt and Courtney Love for not playing their games

Ain't no hollaback boy: Gwen Stefani Sues Band Hero for making her sing like a man

By Ken Devine

LOS ANGELES—On Tuesday Activision, publisher of Guitar Hero and the newly released Band Hero, countersued No Doubt and Courtney Love for their ignorant, petty-ass lawsuits objecting that Gwen Stefani and Kurt Cobain avatars can sing and perform songs from other bands in a "virtual karaoke circus act."

The suits come despite the fact that, historically, every avatar in every Guitar Hero game ever is playable for every single song in the game. Every single one.

Put another way: You can't not play any song with any available avatar.

Somehow, the lawsuits arose even after both artists worked extensively with Activision to satisfaction in getting the likenesses just right, only for them not to read the damn contracts they signed after extensive negotiations with their representatives.

"We're extremely disappointed that after all the work we did with them, No Doubt was entirely clueless about how playable characters in our games work," said a puzzled Activision spokesperson. "I mean, is it really so wrong that Gwen Stefani can express her love of prostitutes in 'Honky Tonk Women' while sounding like Mick Jagger? Or the fact that she can kick butt while singing Carl Douglas's 'Kung Fu Fighting'? That image cracks me up just thinking about it."

Stefani and Love have described Activision’s actions as deceptive and dismaying, and Love insists that she'll "sue the shit out of Activision."

But the anonymous Activision spokesperson cited similar feelings from their accusers, and claims that they're not worried by the baseless lawsuits that will soon see the bottom of the judge's trashcan.

"We're not surprised about Courtney's unhappiness because she's a dishonest, vengeful psychopath who will do anything for power and attention. Just look at how she plotted her husband's apparent suicide."

"But we're disappointed that an actual sane artist like Gwen Stefani is on her side," he added. "She definitely hasn't been as cool as Slash and Tom Morello."

The spokesperson also said that Activision will really get the last laugh when the company wins its countersuit and publishes an update to Guitar Hero 5 that makes Courtney Love playable.

Worldwide soccer community outraged over Yankees being called 'World Champions'

FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on the verge of tears after being ridiculed for his suggestion that female soccer players should "wear tighter shorts...to create a more female aesthetic."

By Ken Devine

Soccer fans all over the world are contending the "World Champions" label that the New York Yankees earned for defeating the Philadelphia Phillies Wednesday night in Game 6 of the 2009 World Series.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter explained that the true football fans of the world are upset because baseball is not played in every corner of the world, but soccer is.

"The New York Yankees are North American champions at best," he stated. "Football is the only sport that can claim true world champions."

In an effort to detract from the Yankees' championship celebration on Friday with their fans in New York City, international soccer bodies have planned worldwide protests in every non-American city for the same day. Objectors will likely wave vituperative placards denouncing American baseball while burning effigies of Alex Rodriguez and George Steinbrenner.

Blatter also promised that petitions are in the works to prohibit the "World Champions" label in professional baseball, as well as banning the word "soccer" when referring to European football.