My Hero

Finally, someone who understands my love for Chinese buffets:

The M.L. Guide to Beating the All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Food Buffet

A synopsis:

If there is one thing I could be considered an expert on, it’s Chinese buffets. I am a huge fan of the all-you-can-eat Chinese food buffet (emphasis on the HUGE). The concept of all-you-can-eat is brilliant on its own, but once you throw in one of my all-time favorite foods (Chinese), you’ve got one of the greatest inventions of all time.

I really love Chinese Buffets. And it is not just the fact that you get to stuff your face (something I enjoy doing very much). It’s also the no-waiting (you start eating right after you sit down), the variety (it’s the spice of life!) and of course, the competition. That’s right: the competition. You vs. the Buffet. The price is really just a dare—a sign that says “All U Can Eat for $14.50″ might as well just say "I dare you to eat more than $14.50 worth of food. Signed, The Buffet."

Basically, your goal from the moment you walk into the buffet should be: win the game. And the game is to eat so much food that the restaurant loses money. You want to eat so much that when they see you come back the next time, they get scared. You want them to worry that if you eat at their buffet too often, they might have to close it down. But before you can learn how to beat your enemy, you must KNOW your enemy. So here are some tips for beating the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

1. Sit as close to the buffet as possible.
   
2. Never order a soda.
   
3. Your first plate should be a feeler plate.
   
4. Seafood is a make-or-break item; both a blessing and a curse.
   
5. Beware of the “American” food.
   
6. When you think you’ve eaten as much as you can handle, eat the crab.
   
7. Don’t waste your time on the desserts.
   
8. And finally, DON’T EAT THE BREAD!