Celebrity Sighting #9

Rachel Dratch isn't the only celebrity who rides the subway.

After the 4 train pulled into Grand Central on the Friday morning commute, I almost didn't see him. But I couldn't miss that brilliant white ponytail just a few feet to my right.

In a second I was pretty sure it was Joel Godard, the former announcer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien. And in the next, I could hear it was him.

"Getting off... Getting off" boomed the unmistakable radio voice as he pushed his way through the middle of the train before the doors closed on him.

Gotta admit: Would have loved to see the rage in the old man had he not made it out in time.

Conspiracy theorists blame shadow government for return of ABC's 'V'

By Ken Devine

Blasted by critics and despised by television viewers everywhere, only one possible explanation exists for the return of ABC's lame alien-invasion series, V: its importance in disclosure, a clandestinely coordinated effort planned for decades by top-secret government officials to eventually reveal the truth about extraterrestrials to humanity.

That's according to Edward Tussel, spokesperson of the Disclosure Project.

"The concept of disclosure is nothing new," he said. "But the government's desperation has gotten to the point of ensuring that a cheesy B-grade serial with cheap special effects and throwaway characters stays on the air, even though it has no business doing so."

The second-season premiere of V was met by a tough crowd on Tuesday night. Despite heavy promotions by ABC, the episode averaged only a 2.20 rating—60% lower than the series debut last year.

Tussel emphasized the peculiarity of V's renewal in contrast with ABC's cancellation of another flawed 2009 serial, FlashForward, which performed only slightly worse in the ratings but was actually halfway decent.

"At least we could rely on FlashForward for repeated laughs from Joe Fiennes' overacting and his character’s inevitable relapse into alcoholism that ruined his marriage," he said. "Better yet was his hilarious revelation about why his flash-forward was blurry.

"You listening? Check this out, I've got it down..."

"BECAUSE I WAS LOADED, OK?!"

"OK?!"

Once his laughter subsided, Tussel sat back down and sighed.

"But, FlashForward's not coming back."



Robert Covell from the Mutual UFO Network said that the agenda behind NBC's The Event is even more transparent than V, considering that the pilot centers around a black president wanting to announce the truth about aliens to the American people.

"Like humanity, these TV shows are by no means alone," he said, citing just a few recent movies like Skyline, and Megamind, and District 9, and The Fourth Kind. And Race to Witch Mountain, and Cloverfield, and The Day the Earth Stood Still.

But that's far from all. At least five upcoming films that center around the human-alien conflict are also in production: Battle: Los Angeles, Super 8, Cowboys & Aliens, Men in Black III, and Under the Skin.

"Aliens are in vogue these days," he said. "Whoever's funding these projects really wants to prepare us for some huge, intergalactic space battle that may usher in the apocalypse."

"But what if the aliens that eventually come are actually peaceful?" he pondered.

Covell also noted that TNT is getting into the mix with Falling Skies, an upcoming miniseries about—you guessed it—an alien invasion. Steven Spielberg is executive producer.

Covell questions the motives of the legendary director simply because of his otherworldly track record, which suspiciously includes E.T., Men in Black, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, War of the Worlds, Super 8, and Cowboys & Aliens.

Covell even went as far as to say that Spielberg himself is probably an alien.

"Or at least a hybrid of some sort," he clarified. "Man, that would make a great movie."

ABC, NBC, TNT, and especially Spielberg all declined to comment on this story.

• Hellbent: "V producers aren’t letting modest ratings hold them back: The upcoming second season finale is going to finish with a major cliffhanger, sources say. The story decision is crucial as it suggests the producers have some degree of confidence that the series will land a third season..."
  
  
• Justice: 'V' bows out quietly on ABC
  
  
• Two for the road: NBC Cancels 'The Event'; No Season Two
  
  
• David Wilcock Talks The Event, V

The Best Man Speech

For Shawn Smith
December 11th, 2010
Smyrna, Tennessee

Hi there. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Ken Devine, and it's an honor to be Shawn's Best Man. And now for a story.

About seven years ago, two guys were looking for girls in Nashville on New Year's Eve. These guys spent most of their evening at a local bar, but instead of trying to pick up girls, they just ended up watching college football. So after an uneventful evening, they decided to pack it up and head home a few hours into the new year. But that's when things got really desperate.

So, these guys made it back to the apartment complex where they lived. But despite not having talked to one girl the entire night, they weren't about to call it quits. So in a last-ditch effort, they drove around the apartment complex, just patrolling the streets and combing for any sign of life. And in particular, any female who might have been walking around by herself at 3 in the morning.

As if that wasn't pathetic enough, things sunk to a new low when they rolled down their windows and started screaming things like "WHERE ARE YOU?" and "COME OUT OF THERE!" To no one's surprise, no girl actually took the bait.

Shawn and I came up empty-handed that night, but we never stopped in our pursuit of women. Over the years, we had some success here and there, but never really found the girl we were supposed to be with.

About five years later, it was early 2009, and that's when Shawn met Niki. In the beginning they were friends who worked together at State Farm, and later discovered that they lived in the same apartment complex. And much like me and Shawn, Shawn and Niki quickly bonded over a love for Pearl Jam and rock music and college football.

Now, at the time I was actually living in New York, but I kept hearing from Shawn about this new girl he was hanging out with, and how cool and attractive she was. And I just remember thinking that it wouldn't be long before their friendship developed into something more. And that's exactly what happened.

I didn't actually meet Niki until I was in town for Shawn's bachelor party a few months ago. But when I finally did, my first impression of her didn't change at all. Niki is passionate, energetic, and extremely hard-working. She's smart, strong-minded, and beautiful. And she just has this great, magnetic spirit to her. Niki's just somebody you want to be around.

Now, Shawn on the other hand... No, Shawn's a great guy. To me, Shawn is the most honest, loyal, kind, and understanding person I know. He's my best friend. And in his relationship with Niki, he's grown to not only be this incredible selfless partner, but also a loving father to a child whose now his. And if that doesn't speak volumes about his level of commitment to both Niki and Aidan, then I don't know what does, because that's what love's all about.

But, I think one of the best things about Shawn is that he's a believer. Through all of the ups and downs in his life—whether it's Ole Miss's upset of Florida in the Swamp in 2008, or the really dangerous car accident that he was lucky to survive about five years ago—Shawn's always believed in God's plan. And it's not just something that you learn in church. For Shawn, it's more of a natural sense of God's purpose in his life, and an understanding that no matter what happens, God's always in control. And it's this purpose—this direction—that's led him directly to Niki and Aidan, whom he'll continue to love and bless just as deeply as God has loved and blessed him.

Now, being single for the better part of your life isn't easy. I can attest to just how hard it can be. But what makes me happy is knowing that despite all the loneliness, and after all the dead ends and times of wondering if things were ever gonna change, the best guy I know married the best girl for him. And there's no better feeling than knowing where you're supposed to be in life and who you're supposed to be spending it with. So, while that search is finally over for Niki and Shawn, a great new adventure is about to begin.

All that's to say that with Shawn now officially off the market, and me getting married next year, I think it's safe to say that our days of creeping on girls in apartment complexes at 3 in the morning are over. But that's probably a good thing.

So, with that, I just want to say congratulations to the bride and groom. Niki and Shawn, I also want to thank you for being such great people, such wonderful friends, and for positively affecting the lives of each and every person in this room. It's why we're here for you now, and why we'll always be there for you.

I love you guys.

One Little Victory

And even Stephen Abraham agrees with me.

"Truth is so hard to tell, it sometimes needs fiction to make it plausible."
—Francis Bacon

• And another: "The perfect excuse for war"
• Filth? Ha!: "Shame on all the skeptics"
• Rebuttal: "Shame on all the skeptics"

On The Night

One of the best things about music is the discovery process, because by and large, music is a constant pursuit. This explains why we tend to like music more that we find ourselves.

Last month I discovered On The Night, a gem of a live album by classic rock outfit Dire Straits. This was a treasured find for two reasons. One, because Dire Straits' already great songs sound greater live, where the band has room to explore their unique sonic textures. And two, because I can't help but feel that this album was overlooked when it was released in 1993, lost in the shuffle of grunge's heyday and the twilight of a career.

Fronted by Mark Knopfler, one of the most masterful finger-picking guitarists of our time, Dire Straits made music that was always a little left of center. The British quartet emerged in the post-punk era of the late 1970s to play what was decidedly not post-punk. Actually, their body of work makes for an interesting study, given the melding of roots rock, blues-jazz stylings, MTV-made singles and slow-burning ruminations. And even as their sound grew to incorporate some of the cheesier earmarks of the '80s, Dire Straits maintained a pop sensibility while never losing their mature edge.

"The band's music was offset by Knopfler's lyrics, which approximated the winding, stream-of-conscious narratives of Bob Dylan." —Allmusic

On The Night works so well because it does what any live album should do, which is capture a band at its peak with the intangible energy that can't be felt from a studio recording. As evidence: the exuberant buildup of the already happy-go-lucky "Walk Of Life"; the realization of arena-rock power on "Heavy Fuel"; the dark intrigue and palpable eeriness of "Private Investigations"; and the simple romantic beauty of the three-note licks on "Romeo And Juliet." Although some of these musical moments are represented in their studio counterparts, they really feel different and come alive here on this album, which was culled from two European performances in May 1992.

Another success of On The Night is the transcendence of the songs themselves, over half of which are augmented with more progressive arrangements. With the free reign of the live setting, songs like opener "Calling Elvis" and closer "Brothers In Arms" expand gracefully without overstaying their welcome. Moreover, most of the 10 tracks here are jazzed up and countrified with liberal use of saxophone and pedal steel guitar, which provides a warm richness that plays to their advantage.

On The Night provides a snapshot of an underappreciated band in their prime, not long before they hung up the guitars for good. While it includes most of the hits, the setlist plays naturally, without the obligation to include all the hits — "Sultans Of Swing" and "So Far Away" are notably absent, but not terribly missed when looking at the whole.

Even though Dire Straits is long gone from the modern zeitgeist, on this night, we can all look back and savor the moment with a fond sense of retroactive nostalgia.